Clarity

Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.

- The Buddha

A few weeks ago I had the dosage for my OCD meds increased, they were doing their job but not quite as well as I’d liked. There was some anxiety that would still flare up occasionally as well as other issues.

Now all feels good. I feel like myself again for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I have a precise and unclouded mind for the most part. I’m still doing mindfulness meditation and yoga as a supplement to meds,  I really think it is helping me to become a better mother, wife and person. More like how I would like to be, I can see the past and the future more clearly and they no longer take over my thoughts.

Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience.
It isn’t more complicated that that.
It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is,
without either clinging to it or rejecting it.

- Sylvia Boorstein

I’m aware that some people take issues with being a medicated mother, or indeed being medicated for mental illness at all, as if it were something you can just climb your way out of. It’s true that you do need to make an effort yourself to climb out of the pit, but if you were sick you would take medicine, that’s all there is to it. Medication was a last resort after I battled with this for a long time without really knowing what it was. I eat well, I take exercise, I tried herbal supplements and they all worked to an extent but I still wasn’t me. There is a part of my brain that malfunctions, it’s hereditary and it’s physically present in my brain. It isn’t just that I decided one day that I couldn’t handle life.

I’m not high all the time. I’m not weak or a failure somehow. It’s not like I have a false sense of happiness that means that I’m not really me when I’m medicated, but somehow a fake version of me who is less worthy. The illness, the OCD, that was the fake version of me. That isn’t who I am.

Now I am content, I can concentrate on what is important.

“Fairy tales are more than true — not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten.”

- G. K. Chesterton

Butternut Squash Recipes and Thanksgiving menu

Posted at Foodie Friday

I adore the combination of Chicken and Bacon, when I lived in England I would have a Chicken and Bacon salad sandwich every lunchtime from the sandwich shop next door to where I worked.

I’m also working through my Squash addiction, you know what? Butternut Squash goes amazingly well with bacon, it also goes well with chicken. Score!

This recipe is modified from a Jamie Oliver Recipe. Serves 2.

Ingredients:
Olive Oil
2 Chicken breasts (skin on preferably)
Oregano
1/2 butternut squash, peeled, deseeded and cut into very thin slices
Bacon (about 6 rashers, 3 for each chicken breast)
Heavy Cream
Red Pepper Flakes
nutmeg
Salt
Pepper

Preheat the Oven to 400F. I had mine at 410F because it seems to run a little cold sometimes.
Season the chicken with the oregano, red pepper flakes, salt and pepper. Place the chicken in a casserole dish and fit the squash slices around the chicken as snugly as you can, have them standing up instead of laying flat. Carefully pour a little heavy cream around the squash (not on the chicken). Place bacon rashers on top of the chicken, 3 to each breast.

Season with a tiny smidge of grated nutmeg, some salt and some pepper. Drizzle with some olive oil and cook in the middle of the oven for 25 to 35 minutes.

I served mine with some sticky olive oil, garlic and oregano roasted potatoes. It got the thumbs up from everyone, including Mikey who appears to be just as addicted to squash as I am.

I’ve also been slowly working on my Thanksgiving Menu. I’m still not wholly confident with Thanksgiving tradition considering this is only the 3rd year I’ve celebrated it, but I’m trying my hardest. We’re having a number of friends and work colleagues over to celebrate, I get excited about cooking for a lot of people. In my own personal dream world I wear a lovely apron at all times and host posh dinner parties every night of the week, and we’re rich… you know so I can afford all of the expensive ingredients. And a big kitchen.

Here is the menu, “Brit Girl Cooks American Thanksgiving” with recipe links where relevant.

Starter -

Butternut Squash Chowder - I did a trial run of this last Tuesday, it went down very well with the family, including my husband who is quite picky about his soup. I neglected to take photographs so I’m afraid you’ll have to take my word for it. It’s possible to make this ahead of time, so I’m going to be making it the day before Thanksgiving in order to free up my time to wrestle with the turkey et al.

Fresh bread – I am so not baking my own, it would be a disaster. I’ll get getting some from a local bakery that morning.

Main Course –

Turkey (wondering if I can get a hold of a free range turkey out here but seems doubtful, only butterball ones at the commissary and I’ve yet to see a single turkey on the economy) Probably a Jamie Oliver Recipe or just a slather-it-with-butter-and-throw-some-herbs-up-its-bum made up recipe.

Homemade cranberry sauce – Only if I’m actually able to locate some cranberries, I looked last time we were grocery shopping and saw none, absolutely none whatsoever, fresh or frozen. May have to make do with a jar. That makes my tastebuds sad. Making this a few days ahead of time.

Mashed Sour Cream and Scallion Potatoes – You can’t even imagine how good this is. If ever there were decadent potatoes, it’s these.

Cider Roasted Vegetables – Oh my goodness yum. Simply the best way to cook veggies, no question. We had them with potatoes and bratwurst on Thursday night. I stained my hands pink with the beets and just now realised I forgot the mushrooms. Ooops. This can be made 2 hours ahead of time and reheated.

Spiced Sweet Potato Wedges – Again with the Yum. I made Sweet Potato Casserole last year and it was, well, a horrible sickly sweet gloopy mess. I made some grilled sweet potato wedges in the summer, they were great so I’m hoping these will be just as good. We’re trying them out this weekend.

I know… there’s no green bean casserole. I’m sorry but you Americans eat some weird food sometimes. The husband has requested it, but I’m not making it… the mere thought of it makes me want to vomit. Honestly. I’m sorry.

Is there any other important staple that I’ve somehow managed to miss?

Dessert –

Undecided, but it’s a throw up between Bourbon Sweet Potato Cupcakes, Pumpkin Bread Pudding or Pumpkin Spice Muffins. I’m leaning towards the muffins at the moment. May have to force myself to make all of them in order to decide… what a hardship.

A final question, what does one usually have to drink during thanksgiving?

Random Tuesday Thoughts 6

It’s that time again folks!

This morning a man with a tractor vacuum type thing came and stole all of our leaves! I am beyond upset… even though they were wet and starting to rot. He messed up the grass too, now it resembles a mud pit. Time for mud pies maybe?

I am obsessing over Origami at the moment. Just one of those things I guess.

I mentioned before that Mikey is sick? He’s not. He’s getting his final molars in, all 4 at once. I haven’t slept this little since he was a newborn. Ok that’s a lie, I’m not sure I slept at all when he was a newborn. On Saturday night he woke at midnight. He didn’t go back to sleep, despite our very best efforts, until 5am. We did watch Monsters Inc though… I think Mikey is in love with Boo (that’s his nickname as well… well he’s Boo Monster.)

Isn’t Squash awesome? We’re going to have had butternut squash two nights in a row. Yesterday was a recipe of my own invention, it involved Butternut Squash and Bacon. I know you’re dying to find out what it was. Check back on Friday, I’ll be posting the recipe along with my Thanksgiving menu and trial run results. Yes I’m doing trial runs of almost everything! Spaghetti Squash is totally weird. I’m waiting for an excuse to use some in cooking, but haven’t found a recipe I like yet.

When the weather starts getting gloomy, I like to crack out the literary classics. I’ve no idea why I do things this way, but summer tends to be for modern novels and winter for classics. I’m going to be re-reading some Dickens, Austen (even though I don’t like her, maybe I’ve changed my mind since studying her in school. I didn’t like soap operas back then). Then on the list we’ve got some Bronte sisters, Shelley and HG Wells.

You know, camera companies like to trick you. Yes they do. They tell you that you have to spend lots of money on a camera if you want to take good photos. Now if you’re a professional then sure. The hubby uses a crazy expensive Nikon army issue camera. And sure, if you have the money to spend on expensive cameras then go for it. I used to have a Canon 350D before it was stolen from the hospital while Mikey was in the NICU. Now I use my vintage film cameras (none of which cost over $10) and my trusty Canon PowerShot SD1000.It wasn’t as expensive as the one I just linked to. It was more like $150.  Don’t know why that one is so pricey. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love a new SLR, but immigration is an expensive business. Trust me when I say I could have bought two of the camera I want and still not reached the amount we’re spending on immigration paperwork. True Story.

Anywaaaaay. It’s a point and click compact cam… except I use it on manual. Although it would be nice to not have to cheat around the cameras autofocus to get what I want out of it. I have to set it to one point focus… usually in the middle. Focus on exactly what I want with the center point autofocus and then caaaaaaarefully move the camera to the angle I want without changing to distance between the camera and the object. *yawn*

Here are some shots of a couple of my lovely vintage cameras… and a brooch I bought to use in making my scarflet.

Hello Lover.

<3 <3 <3

 

 

P.S. I wish to not speak of NaNoWriMo today. Things are not going well with my poor characters.

Jazz at Midnight

While writing some more of my NaNoWriMo novel last night, (I’m over 10,000 words now!) I was suddenly reminded of something that happened a long time ago. One of my characters reminds me a little of someone that I used to know, I had to stop writing because I couldn’t concentrate anymore. Instead I felt compelled to write out this little story.

When I was 18 years old, nearing 19, I was at an acquaintance’s birthday party. He was someone that worked with my boyfriend at the time, in the bike repair shop, and he was just turning 18. It was summer, so the party was outside in a marquee type thing. Fancy dress, I can’t remember what I dressed as but my boyfriend refused to do fancy dress because I suppose that he felt that it imposed on his manliness somehow. There were a group of us – my best friend, who shares my first name and was dressed as a fairy, another guy that my boyfriend worked with who was dressed as a Nazi soldier and there was Ed, who was about 3 years older than us.

The guy dressed as a Nazi got disgustingly drunk, the party was a washout mostly although the younger kids seemed to be enjoying themselves. We ended up sat at “the grown-up’s table”. Ed was the guy who introduced me to The Beat Poets, this is when we sat and discussed them. He was flirting outrageously with my best friend too. My boyfriend was sulking, as he so often did. The guy dressed as a Nazi had to be taken home, he was supposed to go home with Ed and we were all desperate to leave anyway so we started to walk him home.

After we dropped him off at his house, Ed asked us if we’d like to come over to his and have some drinks. It was about midnight and we didn’t feel much like going home at that point so we went with him. We walked to his house, he said it was just up the street. It was, but the street turned into a dirt track that led through a field. In the field was an old falling down house with its windows boarded up, the front door had an enormous padlock on it, Ed said that was because people liked to come out here and vandalize his house.

Ed unlocked the padlock and opened the door, we all stepped in one after the other and Ed flipped the light on. Inside the house looked in similar condition to the outside, the wallpaper was peeling off and the floor was concrete. The kitchen had only a stove, microwave, sink and a couple of tables. We went upstairs to Ed’s room, we passed his older brother who was getting ready to leave to go see his girlfriend.

Ed’s room was small, one wall was lined almost entirely from floor to ceiling with old records and CD’s, another wall with books. His bed was pushed up against the wall and there were more books underneath. He put on some music, I think it was Joanna Newsom, and lit up a joint, we passed it around and talked for a while.

Later we went downstairs, through the kitchen into the back room. The room was big, easily three times the size of Ed’s bedroom. It was filled with recording equipment and musical instruments, there were tatty Persian rugs lining the floor. Ed made us all some tea in the kitchen and we started to pick up instruments and mess around with them. I played something on the piano and as I did, my best friend started to join me by tapping on one of the drums. Ed laughed and rooted around in the back for something. He eventually pulled out a silver saxophone and handed it to my best friend, she plays a lot of instruments including the saxophone, clarinet and piano. She is actually a music teacher now.

Ed handed an electric guitar to my boyfriend and plugged it into a nearby amp before sitting down himself behind the drum kit. We didn’t speak to one another, Ed started tapping out a beat on the snare drum. I started playing on the piano, my boyfriend joined in on guitar and then finally my best friend joined in on the saxophone.

We ended up jamming all night, playing Jazz. We played until 5am, before we started to get tired and decided we had to go home.

I never saw Ed again, my best friend went back to his house a couple of times to see him before she left for college.

It’s funny, that night was amazing and I’m not really sure why. I still remember it vividly 6 years later. I only met the guy once and he had such an impact on the way I live now, the way I see things, what music I like and what books I like to read.

Can you think of anyone who has had an impact on your life like that? It could be a close friend, or even someone you only met once. I want to know!

P.S. I have added a couple of new websites to my reading list in the sidebar on the left. They’re pretty amazing, I’ll talk about them at length at a later date, for now I’ve got housework to do.

NaNoWriMo Update

I’m at 7273 words as of 10pm tonight. I’m still a little behind, but managed to write a lot more than I thought I would. Especially considering that Mikey is sick and has been waking up a lot last night and tonight. I really want to be caught up by next week, I might talk the husband into letting me toddle off somewhere, sans l’enfant, to do some writing this weekend.

The story is really starting to write itself though. I have trouble with dialogue, it always sounds so ridiculously fake when I write it. But that’s something that can be cleaned up post-November. For a story starting with no real plot, I’ve surprised myself with the way my main character has led me and what she’s gotten herself into so far.

For those who are remotely interested, I wrote a kind of synopsis for it tonight. Drumroll Please.

Shadow Box

     My name is Danielle, but you don’t need to remember that, it’s not really all that important in the scheme of things. When I was nine years old, I was given a shadow box. It used to belong to my grandfather and his father before him. The frame was a dark wood and parts of it were beginning to crack with wear. Under the glass were 6 dead moths, neatly spaced and pinned to the black backing, with their Latin names written in scrawled handwriting on small, faded pieces of paper attached underneath each moth.

     I had to sell the shadow box eventually, it was the only thing I had left that was worth anything and I was in trouble. Alex bought it back from the guy I’d sold it to and left it outside my apartment a few nights later, wrapped in gaudy paper, for me to find. I didn’t want it as a gift from him, I couldn’t accept anything from him or I’d end up like one of those moths. Lovingly placed under the glass and neatly pinned to the backing.

Gunpowder Treason and Plot

 Image Source

I wont bore you with history this time, that’s what the wikipedia article and British Government Website is for.

I will say that if I were “home” in England tonight, I would be out in the freezing cold in some field somewhere with a large group of people. Burning my tongue on a baked potato wrapped in foil and freezing my fingers because you can’t eat baked potato while wearing gloves. I would be watching as an effigy of Guy Fawkes, made from old clothes belonging to someone’s dad and stuffed with straw, is burned on the top of a huge bonfire, making sure not to stand too close to it as I wouldn’t want to singe my eyebrows. Finally I would be watching a fireworks display out in the back of the field. On the way home I would be able to see fireworks going off in neighbours backyards. Everyone’s dogs would be locked up indoors with the radio playing, so that they don’t go crazy at the whooshes and bangs from the fireworks.

The next day (as a child) I would be wrapped up in a warm coat, scarf and gloves, hunting around in the fields for the fireworks burned the night before and collecting them in a pile on the wet grass.

Funny how when you’re away from your home country and have been for so long (nearly 3 years now), that you miss traditions that you never particularly cared for when you lived there.

On an unrelated note, Mikey is sick. He has a temperature of 101 and woke three times before finally refusing to go back to sleep on his own at midnight. We spent the rest of the night on the couch watching Pocoyo and drinking lots of tea. I am exhausted.

Random Tuesday Thoughts 5

Now that the colder weather is approaching, I’ve started to make like a bear and fatten myself up. I’m totally drawn to fatty foods during autumn and winter, I know I’d be cold if I didn’t put on that extra layer of fat every year to help insulate. I’m also hiding foods around the house like a squirrel, then I come across them later and eat them.

I’m totally procrastinating NaNoWriMo. I’m already behind on the word count and it’s only the 3rd day, I played with some ideas yesterday but didn’t get any actual writing done. I did come up with a title and base concept though. The title is now “Shadow Box”. I’ll give you a synopsis when I have something more cohesive, but I can say that it’s pretty much a character study rather than a plot driven novel.

Now I said that I was procrastinating, but my husband is far worse. He has been talking to me about his novel constantly for the past 3 days, but he has yet to put a word down or to even sign up on the NaNoWriMo website. So I think he wins this procrastination game.

I’m kinda getting back into Graphic Design. It’s some form of NaNoWriMo procrastination. I’m working on a couple of things that I’ll put up here for download at some point. I’m still not too hot at using Adobe InDesign so it’s slow going. Graphic Design was so much easier in school when we could just draw it or make a model. For my Graphic Design class, years ago, I made a full scale model of a Cyber Cafe I designed. The model even had working lights. Yep.

Mikey has recently started putting together two word sentences. This is a really awesome part of his speech development and he seems so much easier to communicate with. He’s having trouble with the order of his syllables though, which is quite cute. Sometimes instead of “Mama, Bye!” he’ll say “Bama, Mye!” Instead of saying “Bye Ellie!” (when we turn off his favourite DVD) he just says “Bebellie!”

I just remembered a story my granddad told me when I visited last. It’s the story of why his side of the family is not religious. Well it’s kind of two stories. One story involves an ancestor being conned out of a lot of money by the “church” to build some kind of ridiculous statue. The other story is more weird, if they didn’t learn their lesson by being conned, one of my ancestors was also struck by lightning while fixing his local churches roof. Now my granddad is quite good at embellishing stories, but (in the mood of the movie “Big Fish”) It’s sometimes more interesting to believe the stories as he tells them, I’m sure the correct version isn’t nearly as good.

He also has told me so many times over the years that his side of the family is descended from King Æthelred the Unready (Æþelræd Unræd), an Anglo Saxon King of England who reigned from 978 to 1016. One of Æthelred’s sons was Edward the Confessor (as referred to in Shakespeare’s Macbeth as the Saintly King of England) who was one of the last Anglo Saxon kings of England, and up until 1348 was also considered the patron saint of England (he was replaced by Saint George and is now the patron saint of kings instead). Edward is also featured in one of the first panels of the Bayeux Tapestry. Edward the Confessor sounds like a decent enough guy but Æthelred was apparently a bit rubbish. The family name on my mum’s side is supposedly linked to him though. What weird ancestors to have if it’s true. Don’t know much about the name from my dad’s side apart from it’s Scottish/Celtic and supposed to have something to do with rival clans.

For more Random, head on over to the unmom!

November

November has crept up on me faster than I expected and I’m completely unprepared. This year I’m participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) for the first time, after saying I’ll do it for years. For those of you who have no idea what this is, the gist of it is that I need to write a 50,000 word novel in the 30 days of November. Admittedly it doesn’t have to be good and in that sort of time frame I’d be surprised if it was. But I just need to get it out.

Thing is, I’ve done absolutely no prep work for it. I don’t even have an idea. I need to come up with something between now and midnight Saturday! We’re heading to the library tomorrow, so maybe I’ll find some inspiration. I’m seriously considering Sci-Fi at the moment, perhaps some SteamPunk. Every time I seem to think of something at the moment, I realise about a minute later that it’s from a film I saw or a book, or a graphic novel I read. Perhaps I’m panicking.

50,000 words in 30 days sounds like a lot. I guess it is, but it’s 1,667 words per day. That’s not bad. That’s like an extended blog post every day. The only things I’ll need to battle with will be inspiration and possible writers block.

So I don’t know how much I’ll be posting here come November. I’ll probably keep things much the same as they have been this past month. We’ll see.

Wish me luck!

And if you’re taking part you can add me as a buddy here. I don’t have any buddies yet so I’m a little lonely, haha.

Finally here are a couple of shots I took today while outside playing with Mikey.

 

 

He’s such a cutie! <3

Curried Winter Squash Soup

Posted at Foodie Friday

I’m beginning to do my trial runs for Thanksgiving, this was the first trial run for the starter. It turned out well and tasted good but my husband didn’t like the texture. He prefers chunky soup, which this is not. So I will make it again with some changes, except I’m only going to puree 3/4 of the soup and I’ve been thinking about adding some carrots and celery.

It tasted great though, a little on the sweet side with warming curry flavour.

Ingredients
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 medium yellow onion, chopped
1 large butternut squash, peeled, seeded, and cut into 1/2 inch pieces
2 large red cooking apples, cored, peeled, and diced
1 tablespoon curry powder
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground allspice
4 cups chicken stock
1/2 cup low fat plain yogurt

In a 6 quart dutch oven over medium heat, melt butter. Add onion and saute until tender (about 5 minutes). Stir in squash, apples, curry powder, ginger, and allspice and saute 10 minutes.

Stir in stock, increase heat to medium high and bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer, covered, until squash is tender (about 30 minutes).

Transfer soup to a blender or food processor (or use a handheld if you have one!) and puree until smooth (45 seconds). Return to dutch oven and cook over medium heat, stirring frequently until heated through (about 5 minutes). Ladle into bowls and garnish each serving with 1 tablespoon yogurt.

Also, while perusing the internets I came across some lovely printable recipe cards by Erin Vale Designs. The rest of her website is simply beautiful.

Kristen of Domestifluff has some beautiful printable recipe pages you should check out as well.

Wordless Wednesday – Serene